23.8.12


Lately this is me: wishing and waiting, sitting around hoping. Holding onto old ideas, holding on to things that have already happened. But there's something burning inside of me. I want to feel the wind on my cheeks, eat real food, live on rich fertile soil, dig my hands in the ground, to live an organic and quiet life. To be free of the stress and the cares that possessions and needless STUFF offers. I am free as a bird. The world is, 'as they say', my playground. I can go anywhere, do virtually anything!  

But where do I start?

Ideas?


16.8.12

Wait.



"Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let such as love Your salvation say continually, 'The Lord be magnified!' But I am poor & needy; Yet the Lord thinks upon me. (HE thinks upon ME!!!!) You are my Help and my Deliverer; Do no delay, O my God."  Psalm 40:16&17

7.8.12

The Heron, Flying


A heron flew low over the late afternoon lake right before my eyes today. I breathed in deep as I watched. 'How beautiful', and I put myself into him for a moment, seeing what he sees, feeling feathers float and quiver, slicing air with soft, weightless movements. Strong.
'Be grateful' I whispered to the heron. 'Don't take this for granted.' And then I realized that to him, soaring over crystal waters, it was nothing. Instinct. His place.
It was the observation I made of him. The observation coming from one bound by gravity, and weighty thoughts -- one who cannot fly. And then, I wondered : 'would the heron say the same to me?'
'Be grateful' he would whisper, 'Don't take this for granted.' Because he cannot roam the earth as I do. He cannot love like I do. He cannot create. He cannot make sense. And I'm not seeing his observation but my own -- that he can fly. That his life is for flying, for freedom. And that is something I only wish I could say was my purpose in life.

To be free and to fly.

But maybe it's more doable than I see. Figuratively, for I will never have wings. Not physical wings, no. But maybe of spirit or of heart.
Maybe I am meant to live free and to fly.

Either way, be grateful, I shall do my utmost to be. 'Never take this for granted' will be my aim, my whispered prayer. Life is open-ended. I have no answers, just doors -- opened, closed. I have decisions, hopes, fears, and the physical inability to fly...

x

Sleeves

I cut the sleeves off the shirt. I did it impulsively. I wore it, and felt nothing. It was his, you know, his shirt. And he had been gone for a while. Weeks. I don't know how I did it -- wearing his shirt around like he never existed. He did exist. He was most real, vivid, in that time. And he was really gone. And I walked around the place with his shirt on. Everything was a bit strange that night. I worked at that new place. I enjoyed it, but it all seemed so surreal coming home. Being so alone. I lit candles, and paced around. I washed dishes, and some of the flames burnt out in the meantime, so i lit them again, and dripped wax on the floor. I sat there, staring ahead. He was looking at palm trees, I was sure. I was staring at a couch. How different, the things that we were seeing. On that day, I was very thankful. Thankful, but it really took every bit of strength to smile, to laugh, even to say anything at all. But I made it that day, every day I have survived since. Mornings were tough, getting up and facing that void. When would things change? And yet things were always changing. Always. I was so tired. Maybe tomorrow would be a great day. I hoped. I prayed, mercy.

Songs



Willy Mason - Gotta Keep Walking
Kele Goodwin - Hymns
Richard Buckner - Collusion
Richard Buckner - Witness
Electric Magnolia Co. - The Old Horizon
Chris Bathgate - Serpentine
Bonnie 'Prince' Billie - Lay and Love
First Aid Kit - Our Own Pretty Ways
Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You
Horse Feathers - Curs in the Weeds
Bowerbirds - Tuck The Darkness In
Megafaun - Real Slow
Bowerbirds - In The Yard
Seawolf - Middle Distance Runner





3.8.12

monochrome










It's interesting looking back at life, you know, in retrospect. When all the loudness fades, and it's just a few remaining memories. That's what I've been doing, looking back. Wondering how on earth this all came to pass. I won't share details. But I've recently gone through one of the hardest things I've ever had to--to date. I'm also amazed, at the provision of a good good God, and comfort and grace, in all the toughest times. And for people -- friends, family who love me. Where would I be without? Terrifically lost, I'm sure.

I just came back from a trip (Thanks to Cubby and Jes!) It was timely, healing. We went to the ocean. Everything is more clear there. I've started working in a flower shop, again. Learning more. Gaining confidence. It's a blessing through and through. My heart is thankful.

So, chin up, me.

x