It's such a strange and complicated thing, being human and learning to understand all things, even though all things were not designed to ever be fully understood. I feel so inconstant.
I feel like the ocean waves, advancing and then receding, never getting anywhere. And though I relate to these waves, I somehow envy them also. For they have a pattern, a place, a way to exist.
And through all my envy and my relating, and my attempts to understand, to fit, to cope, to move and be moved, I am still-- the world moves fast around me, and I remain so very still, quiet.
That, if nothing else, is constant.
22.10.11
20.10.11
Rain
On a day like today, inside the house and under the covers, in the dull afternoon light I lay still, I lay motionless, waiting for a sound, but there is none--none but the pulsing of my heartbeat in my ears. The rain will fall each day, the roads will flow with sky water and drain into the cracks. It's always warm in bed, with you, and anywhere else seems foreign and unwell. I'd rather be the one who loves and loses, than the one who would never love at all. For love and loss is life -- the extravagance of breathing in and out. In the middle of the day, with no where to be, with no one to know, or to see, with no words to understand; Just the language of your hand upon my hand, your head resting beside mine. It's not the wind that I hear, it's the rain. It comes down on the roof, and in our heads and in our hearts, and we both just lay and wait for what we will do. You are always here, with me.
9.10.11
Nest
I have a temporary home. There's a lot in my life that needs to be sorted out -- a few things are up in the air. I am temporarily back with my parents. All, or most, of my belongings are in storage. I've been sleeping in the spare room. I haven't been feeling quite at home, so I made a cozy little nook for myself. I'm just like that.
I am so thankful that my parents are willing to have me stay here for a while, and are so welcoming. It feels good to have a little safe haven while I figure things out.
Beautiful
It's now October -- unbelievable. The weather certainly has a mind of its own. One day it's 2 degrees, and then next days it's 30. Well, today was around 30. Even in the shade. It was just lovely. I just love being able to enjoy the vibrancy of fall and the warmth of summer at the same time. I needed some sun. It was overall a pretty glorious day.
x
Today I had an itch to do anything creative. So I chose watercolour as my medium for the day!
I don't use much watercolour, so I'm still kind of learning how it's done. I spent hours just messing around with different colours, and globs and such... I enjoyed it! I used to hate using watercolour paints, but that seems to be changing!
x
8.10.11
7.10.11
It is in our weakness that the Lord is made strong. (2 Cor. 12:9) My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' It is in His might and His unfailing love that we are given the strength to go on, the power to choose to perservere. 'Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.' Ephesians 6:10.
It's amazing how quickly we turn to blame God when any series of unfortunate events comes our way. It's so easy to do, and so 'normal' for us to find a scapegoat for our problems. But God has given us everything we stand in need of. He says in His Word, that trials and tribulations will come our way. But He is there, with everything we need -- the peace that passes all understanding -- so that when we go through the fires of tribulation, when we pass through the valleys of fear and of doubt and uncertainty, when we are wronged and persecuted and rejected, we can look to God, our firm foundation, who will not change and will not be shaken even in the midst of chaos. Phil 4: 6,7 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' Being anxious for nothing is a pretty grand task, but I believe that the more we choose to rely on God, the easier it is to rest in Him in the midst of challenges and trials. It's like training, creating a habit, being taught, practice... it takes one choice at a time.
Psalm 91 says,
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Being right with the Lord, and being close to His heart is His desire for our lives. He loves us so deeply, that He -- the Creator of all things, The Alpha and Omega, This great big God-- wants to share Himself with us, squirming about on this tiny little planet. It's a heartbreaking thought that God is trying to reach us, trying to give us amazing gifts, gifts that further His kingdom and glorify His holy name, gifts that bring us closer to Him -- to knowing His character, to living in His Spirit and experiencing the great blessings of life in the Spirit-- and we are too busy blaming, doubting, wishing, fearing, crying, feeling sorry for ourselves, getting angry at God, at others, at ourselves... to notice what a Great and Mighty God He is..
I want to notice. I want so desperately to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop fretting, because it only causes harm: Psalm 37:7-9 'Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--it only causes harm.'
I want to slow down and see that God makes a way when there seems to be no way, that He is bigger and better than anything this life in itself has to offer. 'No weapon formed against me will prosper!' (Isaiah 54:17)
It's amazing how quickly we turn to blame God when any series of unfortunate events comes our way. It's so easy to do, and so 'normal' for us to find a scapegoat for our problems. But God has given us everything we stand in need of. He says in His Word, that trials and tribulations will come our way. But He is there, with everything we need -- the peace that passes all understanding -- so that when we go through the fires of tribulation, when we pass through the valleys of fear and of doubt and uncertainty, when we are wronged and persecuted and rejected, we can look to God, our firm foundation, who will not change and will not be shaken even in the midst of chaos. Phil 4: 6,7 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' Being anxious for nothing is a pretty grand task, but I believe that the more we choose to rely on God, the easier it is to rest in Him in the midst of challenges and trials. It's like training, creating a habit, being taught, practice... it takes one choice at a time.
Psalm 91 says,
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Being right with the Lord, and being close to His heart is His desire for our lives. He loves us so deeply, that He -- the Creator of all things, The Alpha and Omega, This great big God-- wants to share Himself with us, squirming about on this tiny little planet. It's a heartbreaking thought that God is trying to reach us, trying to give us amazing gifts, gifts that further His kingdom and glorify His holy name, gifts that bring us closer to Him -- to knowing His character, to living in His Spirit and experiencing the great blessings of life in the Spirit-- and we are too busy blaming, doubting, wishing, fearing, crying, feeling sorry for ourselves, getting angry at God, at others, at ourselves... to notice what a Great and Mighty God He is..
I want to notice. I want so desperately to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop fretting, because it only causes harm: Psalm 37:7-9 'Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--it only causes harm.'
I want to slow down and see that God makes a way when there seems to be no way, that He is bigger and better than anything this life in itself has to offer. 'No weapon formed against me will prosper!' (Isaiah 54:17)
6.10.11
The waves at night
The lady waited for a while. By the water, she stood. She knew she was a fool when he never came. She knew she was quite a fool indeed. The tide came in quickly as the moon rose higher and higher until it was a stark dot in the night sky.
Her soul was weary, tired from the ups and downs, excitements and disappointments.
'And so it is,' She whispered huskily under her breath. The breeze kissed her cheeks and her chest.
'Just how it should be.'
She walked down the pier to her car.
When she arrived home, she somberly walked the hall to her quiet bedroom. She was so tired, and so she lay her head down slowly on her pillow with her eyes closed. She didn't sleep. She didn't sleep nearly enough.
Her soul was weary, tired from the ups and downs, excitements and disappointments.
'And so it is,' She whispered huskily under her breath. The breeze kissed her cheeks and her chest.
'Just how it should be.'
She walked down the pier to her car.
When she arrived home, she somberly walked the hall to her quiet bedroom. She was so tired, and so she lay her head down slowly on her pillow with her eyes closed. She didn't sleep. She didn't sleep nearly enough.
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