Here I am, home again. Who woulda thought!?
It feels like the last couple of weeks have been a long haul for me, and for my entire DTS class. We got back to Auckland on the 14th of February, and began the debriefing process the very next morning! I experienced quite a bit of culture shock and definetely jet lag.
Debriefing was not something I looked forward to. In fact, in a lot of ways I was dreading it. I was so excited to see everyone again, hear stories, and just be with the people I've grown with for the past 6 months, but besides that I felt tired, I wanted to skip that whole process.
However, when the schedule began on Monday morning, I found myself amazed at truly how much I had learned. When we were asked a question regarding our outreach experience I was able to reflect and understand how God had taught me something, or how I had grown, or how God had used circumstances to teach me, shape me and disciple me.
This debrief week was a huge challenge. There was a lot of things that needed processing and working through...It felt really good though to be back in Auckland with the entire school, where the support and love and committment to each other was evident. It was awesome to spend time talking with people or just being there for someone else. We did our team presentations and they went well.
Although I was responsible for the slideshow and it turned out horribly. Ugh. I should not be in charge of these things. Not my skill.
But besides that, the presentations went well. I went up to the front not knowing what I was going to share, but trusting that God would speak through me. I think He did. In fact, when I was finished sharing, I felt like I had ripped something out of me I didn't even know was there. It was definetely a good way to process, though I don't particularily enjoy public speaking. guh.
ANYWAY....there are so many details about my last week in Auckland that I can't cover, but I'll share a bit about being home. I have really bad jet lag, and I feel disoriented and pretty lost. It's so good to be back though. My parents/family made my return cozy and lovely. I even had a bouquet of soft pink tulips in my room. They are beautiful. In Cambodia I was SO looking forward to snow and ice and wintery bliss, but being home has made me, once again, realize that reality bites. It's SO FLIPPIN COLD. And. Stupid me. I left home in the summer, not preparing in advance for my own return. I have virtually no winter clothes. Sheesh. That's me for you. Never preparing ahead. Ah well. I'll manage just fine.
It's hard to be back in a lot of ways, too. I feel so disconnected from people--a bit alienated. I can't imagine being away from home without internet or skype or phones or anything. I would feel completely lost coming home. I am uninterested in almost everything, little motivation...I don't really feel like seeing anyone, doing anything, I can barely watch a movie without getting sick of it and turning it off. Besides all that though, I understand that it takes time to adjust. I'm in a transition phase, which is okay. I just need to "rest". But see, the problem here, is that I know this, and it makes sense to me. But I don't know what that looks like exactly. How do I really process? How do I rest? I feel so exhausted.
God's grace is sufficient for me. His faithfulness is breathtaking. He's what I hold onto. I know that He has good plans for me. I know He is trustworthy, and I know that I will see that even more in the future. I know that I need time to adjust. To get back on my feet, to start this new adventure ahead of me, to turn another page. It's hard to say goodbye to such an amazing season in life. Not that what's ahead of me will be any less amazing or adventurous, but it's still hard to let go in a lot of ways.
I have no clue what's ahead.
Regardless, I look forward in anticipation while I'm trying to do nothing and rest. Tsk. I have so much on my heart, and no clue what to do with it. There's so many different things running through my mind and stirring in my soul. So many little steps I want to take, but don't know where they'll lead. God knows. He grants wisdom to those who ask, and I am asking.
I am amazed at the love of Christ, the way he shelters me from even myself. He is the hope I hold onto. He is my joy. It's amazing how David describes God in Psalms. He always says that God is his refuge, his strong tower, his hiding place, his shelter from the storm. I'm tasting and seeing and understanding the essence of that as I experience life. It's so true. It's so comforting.
It's like nothing else.
Anyway, this is probably the most scattered blog post in history, but that's okay. It's just me ... verbally processing to the entire world wide web. Whatever. Ha!
More later
xx
