25.12.09

Cambodian Christmas

I think this is the first moment all day I've had time to myself.
And now my day is over. I am SO tired!

Anyway........MERRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS !!!!

I thought I would be desperately homesick today, but to my suprise I wasn't, really. But I think it's mostly because I have been moving full speed, non-stop since 6:00 this morning. GAH! I am exhausted. I stayed up til 3 am finishing making my leader's christmas present, and making cards for my team, etc etc... Then I woke up at 6 to wrap presents (which is completely my fault because I leave absolutely everything til the last minute. Ohhh me.) And then skyped with my family, had a big, BEAUTIFUL breakfast with my team, then we chilled on the roof and gave each other presents, which was fun, and then after that it was CRAZY. We were all insanely busy all day getting ready for our big dinner tonight! I made a bunch of decorations and put up lights and such... it looked really cute. The dinner was a HUGE success! I had such a good time! So many people came, and we had some good laughs with a lot of the people. They seemed to think it was hilarious every time I spoke to them in Khmai. Oh man.
It most certainly didn't feel like Christmas today! But it was memorable, none the less, and I know I'll never ever forget this Christmas. I enjoyed it. As tired and worn out as I was today, hanging out with all of our neighbours and random people that we've met since being here made me smile, and as I watched them all chatting and eating and laughing I got warm fuzzies. and some good photos. In a nutshell it was a beautiful night.

WELL, I will fill in the gaps tomorrow, and upload the photos from tonight. As for now, I am going to sleep lonnnnng and deeeep, and dream of snow and ice and being cold. Because I am so flippin hot! I am just sweating buckets. And no, this is not me complaining. This is me just stating a fact. It's very hot 'round these parts.


Good night and MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

xx janna marion

21.12.09

If my feet touch the ground...

"I will always love you, Vivi," he said. " There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you."
The words shot through Vivi's bones and blood and muscle, and her body relaxed, so that when her feet touched the ground they met the earth differently, as though they had found roots that reached deep down and anchored to something tender and undamaged.

-An Excerpt from The Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells.

I love this.

Sing, Spirit Song.


My head is a bit cloudy today...

I am not quite sure what I feel, but my feelings shouldn't matter much, in contrast to what I know. My hope is in the Lord, and all my strength is found in Him. My sorrow and joy, my tears and my laughter, I will place them at His feet, and only hunger and thirst to hear His sweet voice, singing over me. In the night, when I only see darkness, in the sad, lonely day when I wander by myself, In the morning light, when I feel free, or in the deepest pit of my nightmares, tossing and turning in restless sleep, I am always wrapped in extravagant arms of pure, innocent love where nothing can damage my soul, for it lives eternally with Him.


"Worship the Lord with gladness! Come before Him with joyful songs." Psalm 100:2

Today I will sing my song with gladness. I'll keep my chin up, and love those around me with the same love that Christ has shown me. I know that today I'll have moments where I wish I was at home. I feel homesick today. I want to see my family. I want to be hugged and be loved by them. They're so good at loving. But in the midst of that, there is this God of mine. Who is my home, He is family, and He hugs me with everlasting arms :) For that, I am VERY thankful.

So, these are some of my thoughts right now...
I will write later about my day. Who knows what it holds! You know, I need to paint.

Oh which reminds me, I'm doing christmas crafts with the kids in the daycare. We're going to do finger paint. It should be a glorious disaster! I think I want to spend more time just hanging out with the kids here. I'm going to go play with some of the kids down my street one of these days. It's so unusual for adults to play with kids. It doesn't happen here. The kids don't even really know how to take it! But we'll see. I know that when I was a kid I loved the attention of adults, and I'm sure that's a universal kid thing, not a culture thing.
I am learning so much from children. I am falling in love with them, and seeing so much more significance in them! Oh, they are beautiful.

I just want to cry.
Well, I guess I'll go find something to do before I leave for Daughters...

More later,
xx janna


just a quick note...


Sous'Dei





I'm not much in a writing lots, blabber mouth mood, and so I'll keep it short.
Yesterday I read a book. It is called Honor. It inspired me, as many things do, to love and to speak through honouring others. It is a beautifully written book, and captivated my interest immediately. It has broadened my understanding of honour, and what love truly looks like.
Today I finished the Magician's Nephew. This book...ohhhh this book. What a good story. It sparked a fire in my imagination and re-inspired those thoughts of mine that travel into alternate worlds, where anyone can fly, and really, anything can happen. I think I read both these books at just the right time.

Today I had an amazing morning, greeted like every other day, by the sweet orange kiss of the early morning sun. I spent time reading my Bible and praying, writing in my journal, and just lying on my bunk in contemplation. I love those moments where things just fit. I don't have many feelings, but I have many thoughts. And in my thoughts, I linger and wonder, and am inspired. Since I've been here, my thought pattern has changed. It's the strangest thing. I think about the most random things, good things mostly, but they move so quickly from one to another, I hardly have time to finish thinking my thought.

Anyway, that was the highlight of my day. After breakfast I grew SO tired, my eyes burned all day long. Don't know why...

Something I learned today: love grows. Fast, if you let it.

All for now, I guess,

xx jan

19.12.09

Slow Goin


BONJOUR

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. " C.S. Lewis.
I always liked him. I've started reading his book The Magicians Nephew. I just love the way he can write. I've read both his fiction and his non-fiction. His ability to write simply and matter-of-factly, or deeply, philosophically, using intelligent words and metaphors amazes me. He is a writer with a vast range of abilities to capture the attention and provoke imaginations of his readers. I do very much like him indeed :)

Anyway, he's right about experience. I feel rather silly talking about how experience causes learning, because it should really be said by someone aged and weathered, who can testify firsthand to the lessons life teaches. But of the 18 years I've been alive, and I was thinking about this just this morning and last night too, I have learned so much simply from doing stupid things, or being in situations in which I feel as though I'd rather keel over and die than push through. And my life has been quite easy in contrast to many other lives. I've also been taught many things through my acheivements and that of others. I mooch lessons off of other people's mistakes. One reason, among infinite reasons, that I am so grateful for big sisters :) hehe.
God has taken me by the hand. And I'm seeing more and more of His hand in my life. I'm seeing, as I think back to certain times in my life, how miserable I was, how blind I was, how selfish, and self pitying, how completely astray, and how lonely. And I see it. God's faithfulness in loving such a blob as myself. And here I am now, still a blob, but looking rather different than before, and I can only testify that it's by His love that I've changed. His love has moved me. His intimacy has breathed sweet air into my lungs, and I am alive. I have scars, but don't we all? I have many many flaws, innumerable areas I need growth and healing and freedom and change. But His love is what has and continues, and will forever lead me on.

Sometimes I think how stupid I am for asking the Lord for humility, for strength in perserverance, for patience, and love. I was skyping with my sister Sara a couple days ago, and we were talking about asking God for things like patience. The thing is, He's not some magician with a wand, ready to endow these virtues on his little people. He's a God of gradual growth, or experience, of life lessons. Because we are infinitely flawed, we need time and life to stretch us. He will, however, place us where we need to be in order to learn these things. It hurts at times, but when we make it through and look at these moments, in retrospect, we can see the lesson learned, and we can take it with us to the next.

I am thankful that God is that way. That he doesn't grace us with His mighty ability to do what He wants when He wants all the time. He's so much wiser than that! He can see where we need tweaking. But as He made us co-creators with Him, that means we must co-operate with Him.
If He is Lord of my life, He is Lord of my experiences. Therefore, only He knows where they will lead me, and what they will teach.

So I let go. I will live, and love, and know that I'm learning.
And then, when I AM weathered and wise, I can then truly look back at my life and see, to a greater more extravagent extent, the leading grace of God, walking with me through my trials and change. Life is short, but it's slow going.


more later,

xx jan

Saturday at the Russian Market

HELLO, MOTO



So, I went to the Russian market today,


and, at the Russian Market, if you even walk past a vendor, they say, "Lady, you like somting?"


WELL. I happen to be getting quite good at either ignoring their hawk-like preying skills or simply saying, "Ahte, Ah Cuhn." Which means, 'no thank you'. I ended up walking through the part of the market where the tailors are set up tailor upon tailor. I almost made it all the way to the end without anyone saying a word to me. I was doing such a good job of not making eye contact with any of the tailors, knowing they would plead for my business, and somehow suck me into having them make something just for me. Who doesn't want that!? Especially because I can't find a dress I like anywhere in the market. And who doesn't want a nice dress for the Christmas season!?


Then it happened... A young woman in the 'Asian Tailors' booth said kindly in broken English, "I want to make you something". Oh my. After looking for a good couple hours for a dress in a hot, crowded, steamy market, after being bombarded with questions and offers and desperate pleads for me to buy things, and after being so strong in saying no, I finally caved. And I'm having a dress made just for me. I picked out the colour, the material, she took my measurements, and I drew a picture of what I wanted. Oh my.





I pick it up on December 23rd! I requested that I have it for Christmas. It's red. How nice.


Ha! Well, I'm actually really excited for my custom made red dress. I think I might just love it.





I got a package from my Sister!!!! (THANK YOU SO MUCH SARA!!!!!) and a card and some photos from my Aunt!! (THANK YOU AUNTIE M!!!!!) It made my day!! awww... I just love getting things in the mail. It might be one of my favourite things. Speaking of favourite things, after experiencing my first ever side saddle moto ride, I just love it! Today I did it twice on the way to the market and on the way home. Except this time Armin shared the moto with me, so on the way there I sat perched on the very back, which was terrifying. I was almost positive I would fly of. Don't forget the fact that most of the roads here are far from paved, with big craters and lumps and rocks...mmm...so safe. And my knees almost got chafed in the crazy traffic. AHH! Why am I insane? But on another note, I sat in the middle of the moto on the way home, between the driver and Armin. That was so much more safe. Good grief! haha...I liked the moto driver. He kept laughing at me, but he was friendly. I got a picture of us while he was driving!





I met a western man in the market today, who randomly asked me where I was from and what I was doing. He was from Oregon orrrr... something like that, and he and his wife, he told me, have lived her for around 3 years. He's a pastor of a Baptist church nearby. I told him I'm with YWAM and I'm here doing my outreach. He seemed pretty displeased...or something...he handed me a track about salvation bahahha. And he invited me to church, and said, "We won't make you speak in tongues, and we won't make you raise your hands...because you know, all of that stuff is completely irrelevant to the bible...you know what I'm saying?" At first I had no idea what the heck he was getting at, so I just chuckled and said "okay then," and smiled kindly and we both turned and walked away. Then I realized that he was totally trying to see if I was a crazy Holy Spirit person because I mentioned I'm with YWAM. I forgot that around these parts YWAM often has a bad name due to someone in YWAM leadership that may have gone off track a little here and there within Cambodia. I'm supposed to say University of Nations, but I'm so used to YWAM. Shucks. I could've used that moment to talk more in depth with him. But he was just one of the guys, you know? A middle-aged western man, all sweaty and eager to change the world's opinion to match his own. RAWRRR. God, please help me not to judge others. That isn't my right.


And it wasn't even a big deal to me then, I just kept going about my business. So... now I'm just blabbing...





Anyway, that was my day for the most part. I found a camera cord for only 2 dollars! yippee!








Tonight we go to Ruth's for dinner. Hopefully we can find her house. Sometimes things get really lost in translation. Tok tok drivers are hilarious!!





More later,





xx jan

18.12.09

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...

BONJOUR
"..though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!" Silly old emotions. Who can trust 'em anyway!?

Well, I didn't write yesterday, because I just didn't feel like it, but I should've! Yesterday was a really good day! My team went to get our visas extended, and then we came back to the base to have lunch. I finished my book! That's two books this week. That feels so good. I've missed reading! Then we went to Daughters for the church service, but it was cancelled, which probably should've been disappointing, but to me it wasn't, because I play guitar for worship. It's difficult because they sing the same songs I know, but they do it so differently, and it's very hard to follow. They often sing in Khmai, which is soooo beautiful, and I'm so glad that they do, but let me just say, it's embarrassing to play up at the front with no temp and no rhythm ahha. Oh well. Funny memories in the making :)
Then I went to the Russian market with Laurissa and Phyllis, the lady from Toronto teaching English at Daughters. They had to get some things for English class, and I had to buy a new camera card :( found one! We went to a couple NGO's that were sweet! And one of them sold some of the stuff the girls make at Daughters! Exciting!

OH! I did something I've never done before yesterday. I rode side saddle on a moto by myself. I felt like such a little lady.

Anyway, Then we went back to Daughters, and I met with Amiee, to talk about the day care stuff. I shared some ideas with her, and her with me, and I think we're on the same page! It's so sweet! I'm really looking forward to getting started. We're completely redecorating and cleaning it up. It's going to look beautiful!

I made a schedule for myself yesterday. Which is amazing, because now I actually have something to build a schedule on!!

I'll be making cirriculum for Daughters to teach, making a slideshow photo presentation about brothels for the cafe exhibit, and working with daycare stuff. phew! I'm so excited that I'll be busy doing things from now on. And I feel like my schedule isn't overly busy, it's just right. I'll still have time for prayer and intercession in the prayer room at Daughters.
I feel so much better too. I still have a few symptoms and a cough, but man. So much more energy than I did, and I just feel...better! God is so good to me! I just don't know how He loves us the way that He does. It's so wonderful.

Ruth invited my team over to her place for dinner. So we'll be going there tonight! Should be fun!
Last night my team went out for dinner to have a "serious conversation" about where we're at in life. We went to this awesome restaurant that plays Whitney Houston on repeat. Haha. It's definetely annoying, but I kind of love that place just for that reason.

Well, it's the weekend, and I had the greatest sleep last night. BUT I was so busy sleeping that I missed the rain!! I've been dying for it to rain here since I got here, and it's been so hot and so dry. But it happened to rain last night. Oh sleep, why do you distract me so?

I'm off to the market with Armin.
I bought a card for my camera, so I can finally take photos again.. praise theeeee Lord!
I'll try and get some up later on this afternoon.

All for now,

xx janna

17.12.09

chin up, me

I feel like I have no words to describe how I feel right now.
I guess worn out would be a good way to start.
I don't like it.
I feel like I've been learning so much, and I know that I've ranted and raved about how much I've been learning and how good it's been, it's also hard, and I feel like there's always things coming at me, both physical things and spiritual things. Note: This is not a complaint. I'm just stating where I'm at. :)

I'm really tired. I couldn't sleep last night.
But in the midst of all that, God spoke a lot of sweet things to me today. I spent a lot of time in the prayer room at Daughters, praying and interceding.
He really got my attention. I think that in preparing for outreach, while still in Auckland, my team really put a lot into seeking the heart of God for Cambodia, and what He feels toward things like sex trafficking. We sought to see through His eyes, and to be His hands and feet while we're here. I feel like we were so passionate about seeing the lost be brought back to their Father, and now that we're here...because we have a schedule, and we're at Daughters all day, everyday, it seems so different. And God really called me out on that today. So I've been praying for our hearts to be broken again, for the things that break His heart.

I'm thinking that happened because of our expectations. It seems to be the way humans are. with anything. We all do it. We prepare for something, and don't even realize that the unrealistic expectations and ideals come creeping up without our say. But we don't do much to stop them.
At this moment in time, I feel like everything I ever thought my outreach would look like is exactly opposite. I feel like all my expectations have been crushed completely, and I'm sitting here still wondering what it is I'm here to do. I have been surrendering all of my expectations, all the things that I pictured in my mind, glamourized and ideallized before coming here.
I guess I feel worn out because I've been so discouraged since we started at Daughters.

Don't get me wrong. Jesus is Lord, and He's got this in His hands. It's going somewhere good, and I know that. I do. I know that regardless of what happens, this is a major learning experience for me, and even now, I can see a very drastic change, since being here, in the way that I think and the way that I love. I can see God moulding me and shaping me. It hurts sometimes, but His Spirit is gentle and kind.
I'm hoping and praying that things won't be a struggle the entire time, you know? I want to have fun! I want to have energy! I want to laugh and be silly!
and I also want to build relationships, and grow close to people, and cry with people, and continue to have my heart broken for what breaks God's.

AHH! It all comes back to my expectations. I pray for humility and I am going to continue surrendering each one that I have, and even the ones I don't realize I have, I need to figure out what they are, and give them up too.
I need to focus on the here and now, what's happening. I don't want to look back at this time in my life and wish that I paid more attention. I don't want to leave here with regrets. I want my attitude to change. I want to be active, and effective, and loving, and energetic, and give from a place of blessing. I know that I can be all this with the strength, mercy and love of Christ in my heart, being ministered to me everyday.
I want to shut up and die to myself, and give and give and give. Not of my own strength, but the strength that has been given to me. His love is strong.


So, as you can see, my day was mediocre. Nah, it was a good day, I just feel weary. But chin up, me! Tomorrow brings new adventures!
OH. speaking of new things, Amiee, the woman in charge of the day care stuff at Daughters, called me today and arranged for us to meet tomorrow and talk about things we can start doing there. That is so exciting. I'm looking forward to finally doing something about what I've been envisioning for the daycare center! So... that's something of an adventure to look forward to tomorrow.

WELLLLLL.. that's all for now.

xx janna


P.s. Today I didn't have much to do, so I wrote a story about fruit. How lame. haha.

16.12.09

a random concoction of thoughts

HELLO, BRIGHT DAY

My friends, I am on the mend. I feel a bit weak still, and still have a cough, but everything else is feeling pretty much whole and healthy. I haven’t eaten Khmer food for a few days, only bread and crackers. Mmmm. So nutritious and delicious.
So here I am, at Daughters. Man!!! It is HOT!!! I’m sitting in the classroom, Tim is strumming away on the guitar, and Laurissa, Dana and Phyllis and discussing props for a skit the women at Daughters will be doing for the Christmas party. We just had a time of prayer for Daughters in the prayer room, and I painted a little picture. I need to paint more. And I realized how much I need to take pictures. I haven’t taken photos for a while because I can’t find my card or card reader. (Don’t worry Claire I’ll find it. I think I know where it is!! ) And in the tok tok on the way here, I kept seeing things that inspired me to take pictures, and I realized how much I miss it.
We had a team meeting last night, and it was supposed to be a time of worship and intercession. Worship was rough, and a bit of a struggle for us, and then instead of interceding, we talked about our frustrations. Apparently many of us are having a hard time… So we talked about that and prayed for each other. I went away from the meeting feeling a bit drained, but I know that it happens. We’ll get back on our feet again soon.
Ah, the sunrise this morning was spectacular. I love where I sleep, because every morning, bright and early the sunrise wakes me with a kiss of orange rays on my cheek. This morning there were so many colours in the sky. I wish I could’ve captured that moment.

So I’ve been processing some of the things God has been speaking to me the past couple weeks, and now I’m feeling ready to learn something new. I can see how I’m being shaped and moulded by the different things God teaches me every single day. It excites me that He doesn’t leave a work unfinished. He’s going to keep the good things coming. And I want to learn. I want to grow, and be stretched.

I’ve secretly started reading a book for married women. (HA) I know, I know, I’m too young to be thinking about this. It’s called Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. I got it from the library at the YWAM base, and when I picked it up I wasn’t necessarily thinking about my non existent marriage life, and I wasn’t dreaming about getting married. I swear. It caught my interest because it’s about learning how to truly love your spouse...? This book covers a lot things, like the roles of both men and women, how they are very much different, yet very much equal, the challenges and hardships that often occur in marriage, and how to truly love even in the midst of these things. I feel like it might be a good book for me to read because, though I’m not married, or even close to being married, I figured the author might have some good insight on learning to love people in general regardless of how I might feel. Love has been something I continually think about, especially lately. Every lesson I’ve learned since being away from home has come back to love. I love love. But I feel like for most of my life I’ve romanticized it so much. I’ve seen love as a feeling, and though I knew in my mind that it was more than a feeling, that love is a commitment, I still lived out love as if it were a feeling. Since being away, since learning all the things I have so far, I’ve been more and more drawn to the truth about love. What is it really? God has swept me up, taking me on a crazy journey to show me a glimpse of just that. I’ve already learned a lot from this book. Though it’s relating all this stuff to marriage and relationships, it’s completely useful for everyday life, with any kind of relationship. I feel like I’m beginning to really see what a true woman of faith looks like, and how I can be someone who influences people, not so much by extravagance, or big words, or big events, and certainly not criticism, but by the way that I love. Within the context of marriage, however, though I am young and single, and not quite ready for marriage, I feel like this book is a good place for me to begin to understand some of the real challenges in marriage, and what it looks like to love my husband in the midst of these challenges. I want to be the best woman I can be, the best wife I can be, and the best at loving that I can be. So hopefully I can get past those silly romanticized, glamourized, ideals about what love and marriage is. I want to be real. I want my relationships to be real. I want my love to be real.

Yup!
Just sharing a random thought with you!

More later,
xx jan

15.12.09

birds fly


Sick in bed. It seems like the story of my life so far, since being in Cambodia. I feel like I've hardly stepped foot outside. I know that isn't true. I have, and it's been good. But I've been sick an awful lot, and I'd really like to recover completely, and not have to worry about this any longer.
God has been singing sweet songs over me, speaking things to me that I need to hear. He's encouraged me through His word, through others, and through little things throughout my days here. I've been so discouraged because I still haven't found my place. But my eyes have totally been opened to the fact that I have been building up these ideas of what outreach should look like for me. I've heard story after story of different outreach experiences, and I guess I just picked up on the big miraculous things that happened in other people's experiences. I have subconsciously built up these ideals. I've been expecting to come here, and be someone God can use to bring BIG things to happen. Like miracles, and the transformation of people's lives. I've subconsciously put God in a box. I've forgotten how God can move in the gradual, simple things. He is teaching me to slow down, to love, and to breathe in the simplicity of walking with Christ. Jesus was all about relationship. Sure, he performed miracles; He made the lame walk and the blind see. He raised the dead and healed the sick. And He totally calls us to greater things than these!! But here I am, on my DTS. This is my time, and I have to stop comparing my experience with everyone else's. He has called me to be someone who reaches out in love, and empathy and compassion. He has called me to cry with those who cry and pray with those who ask. He has changed me, my heart. He has shown me a piece of His own, and after experiencing that, I can't help but love on others, and shower them with the same loving-kindness God has poured out on me. God has been speaking such beautiful truths over me...about His grace, the gentleness of His Spirit, the beauty of His name. I have a deeper love and deeper trust in Him than I even knew possible before. If I were to go home right now, I would be taking that with me, which in itself is a gift that I'm so thankful to have experienced. It has been a huge challenge for me, being here. I've been so angry at times, because I feel so useless. I feel like the weak link of my team, bed ridden and practically a zombi. I feel like there is just use in having me here. BUT. no. God has brought me here for a reason. I know that. And I'm just realizing that I need to relax. Let God be God, let Him do what He wants, and use me in whatever way He wills! I have no idea what that looks like, but I trust Him. I trust that He knows what is best for me, and I believe that He can use me, even in my weakness.

SOOOOO the Lord is good to me, and I am recovering. This is my third day at home, sick. And I felt, on Sunday, which was 2 and 1/2 days ago that God was suggesting I stay home for 3 full days, recovering, taking my medicine, sleeping, and getting rid of the bacteria in my body. So, that's what I've been doing, and I'm on day 3! I feel heaps better already. My body is still very weak, but hopefully I can get some strength into me! And I'll be back at Daughters tomorrow. God gives good advice, I reckon ;)

The other day I was feeling awful. I felt sick, I felt discouraged, and I felt like I had absolutely no purpose here. I was in my room, which is like an oven, and needed some "fresh" Phnom Penh air, so I went out to the balcony, and sat there for a while. That verse in Matthew about provision came into mind. Matt 6: 25+26 "...do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
This spoke to me HEAPS and was a huge comfort at that point because I felt so stressed out about my purpose here, and what it was I should be or would be doing. I don't know... I guess I just felt pressured to be something big, and I wasn't even sure what that looked like. But I felt like God was just calling me gently to just trust Him, to believe that He will place me where I need to be, and that it's really so simple and shouldn't be a scary thing. He's got me in His hands.
And then as I sat out on the balcony, two little birds came and sat right beside me and sang. They stayed there for a long time. It was just a sweet little moment I'll never forget. Isn't God so sweet? He's so creative.


I've had the song "somewhere over the rainbow" in my head the past few days,
"Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why, can't I?"...

well that's all for now.
more later,

xx jan

10.12.09

rhinestones and frills

cambodian wedding reception...


Invited last minute, by someone who didn't even know the bride and groom. With only 20 minutes to get ready, we threw on whatever we could put together (we don't really have wedding-appropriate clothing with us). And then waited around for an HOUR for our ride to show up. That's Cambodia for you... no sense of time (which is sweet, just hard to get used to coming from a place where life is dictated by the ticking of a clock) ...We showed up and EVERYONE ... no lie... EVERYONE stared at us. We were not only foreigners at a wedding reception, which is apparently uncommon, we were also completely and utterly underdressed. All of the women wore shiny ballgown dresses with rhinestones, and frills, and their hair was done perfectly in ringlets and loads of hairspray. Ah, it's was probably the most random night of my life. They served us an 8 course meal, too.. it was awesome! Dana got real sick all of a sudden, so we left. She threw up beside the tok tok. It was such a wierd night. One I couldn't possibly forget!!

































09.11.09

BONJOUR!
Right now there's a fly on my computer screen. He's been there for just over an hour. I named him Paul because he looks like a Paul.

SOOO, being here in Phnom Penh is beginning to feel more normal lately, which is nice. Sometimes though, I realize where I am, and it freaks me out a little bit, but other than those speratic moments, I feel a bit more settled. Things at Daughters are starting to flow, and each of us, it seems, are finding our niches. I still don't know what's up with art classes, but I'm pretty sure that if I will be teaching, it won't be for a while. We're all really focussing on opening the cafe, and there's a lot of preparation to do for that, so art classes aren't a priority. Also, we're in the process of planning the annual Daughters Christmas party, so we're busy with that! It's pretty crazy at Daughters right now! There's a lot going on!
I am still sick, but it keeps moving from one thing to another. It's not so fun, but I guess it's all part of the experience...
The classes at Daughers have been going really well! The girls seem to like having us there, and they seem to just LOVE Richard's cooking class! It's loads of fun. I've been the photographer there the past few days, taking pictures of the classes and what they get up to. It's been awesome to do what I love to do--take pictures--and get involved in the classes at the same time. The team is doing a great job here... Aw, I love my team. I really do! I'm excited to spend Christmas together! And we have a Block Party planned! ha! It's going to be grand. We're having a dinner for the neighbours on our street. So that's also added to our plate. We'll be busy this month for sure!
I'm still trying to find my place here on outreach. Sometimes I feel as though I'm wasting my time, or doing something wrong, or... not being what I'm supposed to be. But God has been speaking to me about simplicity. Just loving Him with all my heart, and sincerely loving others. I've been feeling a bit inadequate, seeing as I don't have a very specific position at Daughters, but ... oh! Paul is moving around! how exciting!... God has been speaking a lot things to me, that give me a lot of reassurance and grace to just live and love, and bless others while I'm here. Sometimes I feel like there's a lot of expectations that I should be living up to. And I don't want that at all! I don't want to stress out thinking that I'm doing something wrong. Even since being here, my relationship with Jesus has deepened so so much! I feel like it's changed in so many good ways. Oh, how I love Him.
My love for people is also growing. The Khmer people are BEAUTIFUL! And so friendly. I love that there's really no sense of time here. People love to just sit and spend time with others. It's really cool. There's a beautiful spirit about the people here, and I can see a real yearning in them for loving kindness, and respect. I really admire this country, and I feel honoured to be here, in a place filled with the beauty of God. I can see His love and His creativity and handiwork.
I'm so grateful for the grace that God gives us. There are a lot of terrible things here. There are a lot of things I knew I would see, but could never really prepare for. There is so much brokeness, hurt, neglect, shame, and a sense of utter hopelessness. But God, ahh, God is so great. I can feel His love for these people. And I love how well He knows us, what we can and cannot handle, and how fast or how slow to bring us through this battlefield that is life.
Since being here, I've been introduced to many weaknesses within myself. I feel so emotionally, mentally, and lately physically weak, and it's been very hard for me at times. But in learning how weak I am, I have experienced a glimse of God's strength. I often miss home, especially being sick and all, but gazing into the glorious face of Jesus Christ, being with Him, learning to live out love, I AM home. And as weak as I may be, He is so strong, and my trust in Him has grown beyond words. I know that this time in my life will be one in which I learn and learn and learn some more about many things, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will return home with more faith, more love, and more assuredness in God, in life, in my identity and in my calling.

janna xx

5.12.09

So, here I am in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
A place I never imagined I would end up living for 3 months. I'm here with 6 others, doing our outreach phase for our Justice Discipleship Training School, located in Auckland New Zealand. 18 people from all over the globe came together to live and learn in a communal setting for 3 months in Auckland. Then, splitting off into 3 groups of 7 or 8, including leaders, we began a journey called Outreach phase. I am here, in Cambodia, with my team. Another team is located in India, and another in South Africa. We're apart for 3 months, working for different non-profit organizations, reaching out to the community. My team is working with an organization for trafficked women who have been rescued, and are in need of education, love, and hope. When we arrived here, none of us knew exactly what it was we would be doing with this organization. All we knew was that we would be spending 5 days a week there, from 9 - 5. We had one week to settle in here. We're staying at the YWAM base. Then after that week was up, we began working at Daughters. I was extremely sick, and missed the first 3 days. So getting into routine was hard for me, and seeing as we've only just finished our first week at Daughters, I'm still a little out of it... but things are really starting to pick up. However, we're still all a little unsure of what our duties will be. Richard, my team leader will be teaching cooking classes, and restaurant management. Laurissa and Dana will be helping out with English classes, Armin will be doing Admin. work, Pete will be doing construction for an ongoing project, and Tim will be tutouring. As for me, well, I am supposed to be helping out with art classes, possibly photography, but I'm still out of it... I feel like it might take at least a couple of weeks to really get into the swing of things. The schedule at Daughters is a little bit ... well, very... flexible... I just have to go with the flow. I haven't had much to do there so far, so I've been helping out in daycare. A lot of the women at Daughters have babies, and there aren't many people helping to take care of them. Not only that, but the daycare system there is in dire need of a facelift. It is unsanitary, and the kids have nothing to do. They are always sick. They just need a good, clean, safe, and fun environment to play, learn, and flourish. But they don't have it there, unfortunately--not yet. I spoke with a young woman staffing at Daughters who has a vision for the daycare system there. However, she has a full time job outside of the organization, and needs help. I offered to help in whatever way I can. Turns out, I would be doing some art with the children, and also decoration, murals, and using my creativity for new and improved ways to do daycare there. It makes me sad, because there is such a lack of tools for the kids to even attempt at being creative. But I think it's a good place for me, because I love when kids have the oppurtunity to create, and when they do, they realize how much fun it is, and how good at it they really are. I love when kids get excited about creating something. It's beautiful! I plan on bringing markers, paper, paints, and other crafty things with me on Monday, so that I can begin to bring out the creators in these kids. I met a little girl on Friday, who upon arriving at daycare, didn't speak a word to me, or anyone... I brought her my journal and stole some markers from the English classroom, and we sat down, without speaking, and began to draw pictures together. She opened up. She drew funny faces, and crazy flowers, giggling and smiling the whole time. She did this for a long time, and seemed to love it!! After asking her what her name again and again "neak ch'muah av'ai?", finally after warming up to me, she told me her name, and began speaking to me. Unfortunately my Khmai is extremely rough...as in...non existent, so I didn't much understand her, but I tried. She's beautiful. It was a great experience and I want more of that.
Hopefully this week will be full of good experiences, and discovering more of what my place is at Daughters. I feel that God is speaking simplicity over me--that I am here to bring change in small things, that will have a big effect. I'm okay with that. Sometimes I find it hard, because I'm not skilled in teaching or public speaking, or big things like that. I have no experience leading, or anything... This is even my first time in the 3rd world. So... It's very much a learning experience for me. But even just this week I have learned heaps, and look forward to learning more. The biggest thing for me right now, is just getting comfortable at Daughters, with the women, and finding my place. Once I have that established, I think things will flow very well. The women are precious and so intelligent. I think I might learn more from them than they from me.
God has good things planned for my team, I reckon. I look forward to seeing these things unfold.

I haven't painted since arriving in New Zealand almost 4 months ago! So yesterday I went to the Russian Market and bought some paints and an acrylic pad. Ah, it felt so good to paint. I need to keep my creative juices flowing, or else I get wierd. ha.

The people here are so amazing. So beatiful. I am so excited that I have the oppurtunity to be here, to capture some of the beauty here with photography, and the oppurtunity to simply just love the people here.

and my blogging begins...

The clouds of lace shook,
And the sad rain came.

Then, early, early the sun came
On an extra special day.

All the trees clapped their hands
And the waters of the world made noise.

The birds sang their spirit songs loudly.

Your cheeks grew nice 'n' rosey
'Cause you felt something spectacular.

Your heart was beating faster. It was love.
Oh, it was love indeed.

You could feel love in your heart,
And in the air, and in your bones
And all around you.

Oh, yes this love was sweet.

You could feel so much love inside you
That it just had to come out...

So you created more love:

With a violin, so small and so pretty,
and a song.

With an enormous complicated camera,
You took photographs of this great big world.

And with a pen you wrote life,
made love with your words.

Sometimes you even danced
when no one was watching.

Oh, yes this love was sweet.